It’s finally happening. I can hardly contain my excitement.
I WANT TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS.
Because…
I’M MOVING TO AN ELEVATOR BUILDING!!!!!!!!!
WITH LAUNDRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND A PART-TIME
DOORMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This may mean nothing to the large portion of suburbanites
who read my blog, but let me tell you: This is BIG TIME.
How big is it? Well, to completely understand the monumental
nature of this occurrence, let’s take a stroll through my apartment history,
shall we?
Apartment 1
Location: Hell’s Kitchen
Floor: 3
Details: 2 br, 1 ba
Length of Stay: 4 years
Roommate(s): An aspiring actress named Erica Kane (No, not
that Erica Kane, though she was once contacted to be in the audience of The Rosie O’Donnell Show when Susan
Lucci was a guest.)
Features: Slanted wood floors and a bathroom so small that you practically had to
sit sideways on the toilet.
Reason for Leaving: Went on tour with a Broadway show.
Apartment 2
Location: 3 blocks from Apartment 1
Floor: 4
Details: 2 br, 1 ba; railroad apartment (meaning I had to
walk through my roommate's bedroom to reach mine)
Length of Stay: 5 months
Roommate(s): A middle-aged former casting director/poet
Features: A washer
and dryer! But the washer was kept in a closet and had to be rolled out and
attached to the kitchen sink and the dryer would only dry ten socks at a time.
Reason for Leaving: She moved to the west coast and the landlord
refused to rent to an actress.
Apartment 3
Location: Across the street from Apartment 2
Floor: 5
Details: 4 br, 2 ba
Length of Stay: 7 years
Roommate(s): Too many to count. Actually, I just counted.
14. Wait...16.
Features: Unofficial roof access (meaning we’re not legally
allowed to be up there and could possibly fall to our deaths), stunning exposed brick that crumbles because it's never been sealed properly,
and a landlord who never, ever responds to repair requests (see pic).
Additional features include: Lack of hot water, 97 steps,
windows that never fully close and therefore let tons of dirt in, and street
noise so loud that people think I’m outside when I’m talking on the phone in my
bedroom.
Reason for Leaving: If you don’t know why I’m leaving,
reread Apartment 3.
Apartment 4 (THE NEW APARTMENT!!!)
Location: 2 blocks and 1.5 avenues from Apartment 1
Floor: 6 (Get it? Get it? I’m literally movin’ on up!)
Details: 2 br, 1 ba
Length of Stay: At least 1 year
Roommate(s): My BFF
Features: Bright, sunny rooms, giant closets, a shockingly
clean basement laundry room, a tiny elevator that may or may not be reliable,
and a part-time doorman who may or may not be a hobo who happened to wander in
and park himself behind the lobby desk. (I have a lobby!)
Reason for Leaving: None, I hope!
Want to hear more about my adventures in NYC real estate?
Tune in next time to read about rent control, rooftop baby pools, naked
roommates, fifth floor floods, and street thugs in the stairway…
